Infernal Comms: the Write the Talk blog

Me, myself. Why?

“It was not an auspicious start. The lift containing myself and two French guests was standing stock still on the ground floor, refusing to budge.”

Prompted by a comment from a Twitter friend today, I’ve been scratching my head about the growing misuse of myself in conversation and writing. The quote above is a perfect example, from a published article that I dug out earlier.

There are several factors at work when it comes to this mishandling of me and myself. The first is the uncertainty that exists around me and I.

“My wife and I went to a party. Quaffing two bottles of cabernet in an hour was a record for my wife and me.”

The different treatment of the two is easy, as you’ll see if we just describe my drinking exploits:

“I went to a party. Quaffing two bottles of cabernet in an hour was a record for me.” (and what a record ...)

So, me-fear is an issue. There is also a sense that myself has more formality, that in polite or exalted company using myself is more, well, educated. That’s a shame, because being yourself is more natural, never mind the fact that using myself like this is wrong:

“Myself and my partner are going to see the Queen.”

Quite apart from the impoliteness of going first, using myself in this way is like wearing an overly fancy hat or tie to a royal garden party. Much better to keep it simple and smart. “My partner and I ...”

The final factor at play is the use of myself for effect. We do this when we are highlighting our role in something:

“When the builders didn’t turn up, I moved the bloody slabs myself. I gave myself a hernia.”

This is absolutely fine. Just make sure there’s an I in there somewhere to emphasise.

In summary, use myself when you are doing something to yourself (it’s called a reflexive pronoun – from the Latin for reflect, as in a mirror).

“I hit myself on the head with a lump hammer, knocking myself out.”

If someone else is doing the doing, it’s me:

“My wife hit me on the head with a lump hammer, knocking me out.”

That opening quote would have been better as “the lift containing two French guests and me ...”. Perhaps it was the French company that put our correspondent off.

Groupon: get a grip

There's news today that Groupon is being investigated by the OFT over its advertising practices, among other things. One suspects that the story will run and run, so some positive PR would help along the way.

Sadly, Groupon fell into a common trap and wheeled out someone to spout unhelpful gibberish:

"Groupon constantly strives for business practices that are in the best interest of consumers. We are constantly evolving business process to ensure customers receive the best possible experience at the highest standards."

Forgive me for intruding, but that's not going to help. The only people at whom that message can be directed are Groupon customers. You could make an argument for shareholders being the target audience, given the calamitous drop in the share price recently, but they're as interested as anybody in public sentiment towards the company.

So, in the circumstances, consultancy guff is not what's needed. "Constantly striving" sounds more like the effect of a severe bout of constipation than a genuine commitment to getting better. The only redeeming feature of "constantly evolving business process" is that it's an all-in-one winning line in Bullsh*t Bingo. As for "the best possible experience at the highest standards", repetition doesn't make misplaced hyperbole any more effective.

There are 32 words of emptiness, a banal vacuum where there should be a nugget of confidence and humility. It would have been much better to say something like:

We're always working on doing things better, but sometimes we might make a mistake. We'll work with the OFT to see if there's a problem, and we'll make sure our customers get the service they expect.

It might not be perfect, but it only took two minutes to sound like a real person instead of a spokesbot. In their position, I think Groupon could have done with taking a moment before jumping at the PR version of Buy it Now.

Writing a Personal Bio

For many, it's one of the most difficult things to write. Whether it's a few sentences for a social networking site, or a few paragraphs for a conference programme, writing a personal bio is the equivalent of being discovered in flagrante by your grandmother or remembering too late that, as a family film choice, Shakespeare in Love has too many booby moments.

Of course, it's actually worse than that. Because the big psychological issue is the fact that people will read what you write.

The fundamental question is this: "How can I write something about me without making it look like I'm a conceited buffoon, full of my own marvellousness and lacking in all self-knowledge and humility?"

Well, the first defence that people erect is that mysterious companion, the Third Person. Writing your bio as if someone else has penned it comes across as less boastful, doesn't it?

Sorry, it doesn't. In fact it probably does the opposite. Only the most famous and detached-from-reality get to have their bios written for them, so a third person approach makes it look like you're pretending it's an independent write-up. Falseness is no basis for a relationship.

Neither is lack of personality. Third person or not, stilted lists of achievements peppered with impressive, but unsubstantiated, adjectives will not make you any friends. Boastful and boring at the same time? This is going really well.

A good bio is easier than it sounds. Here are some tips:

• Always write in the first person. "I help businesses sound like they're run by human beings." It's direct, and you can say what you want to say and sound like you mean it;
• Write what you would say in conversation. Read it loud, and if it makes you sound like a candidate on The Apprentice, it's not working;
• Remember, the bio is not about you; it's about who's reading it. It's about convincing someone that you're worth knowing/following/listening to. And you'll achieve that by being yourself. People like people, not cardboard cut-outs or ham actors or success cyborgs. Think about the people you've helped, the fun you have, the things you're still learning about;
• It's good to allow some emotion in, so long as it's not passion ...;
• If you're really stuck, pretend you're writing a bio for your best friend, where that best friend is you. That way, you won't be afraid to include their best bits;
• Get some other people to do it, preferably people who know you well or represent the audience your bio will have. "What would you lot say about me?" can be a revealing question. Leave the sycophants and acolytes out though: this is no time to be believing the hype.

Above all, forget the notion that the bio is a statement of your magnificence. It's not. It's your Mini Me: a little self-sketch, with enough left in to attract the kind of people you like, but not so much detail that all curiosity is extinguished.

With a little practice you'll actually enjoy doing them. Really.